Nice With A Tinge of Asshole

The antithesis to why men love bitches

There is a general belief by both sexes that nice guys finish last or they never get “the girl,” and that women like assholes. Yikes! I have definitely contributed to this line of thinking.

In junior high and high school, I paid particular attention to the boys who ignored me or made me feel like I was invisible. I wanted them to want me, to acknowledge my presence. These boys were usually popular or particularly good-looking and definitely jerks. If I could get him/them to pay attention to me or even look my way, it would validate my self-worth or the lack thereof. Even as I matured emotionally, learning that assholes are toxic heartbreakers, gravitating towards kindness, I still liked nice guys with a tinge of asshole.

The word asshole conjures up different feelings for different people. I’m sure we have subjective definitions from past experiences as well. So how should we define an asshole within this newsletter and why do women seem to love em’?

Definition

ass·hole /ˈasˌhōl/ (noun)

An asshole is not just a hole in your anus, it is also a vulgar slang for a guy who is unresponsive to the feelings and needs of others. Whether intelligent or not, he is arrogant to the point of being obnoxious. A contemptible person.

Do I and lots of other women really fancy men who are arrogant, obnoxious, contemptible, and unresponsive to our feelings and the needs of others? Absolutely not! What we are really looking for are these traits in a man that some assholes mimic and nice guys might not exude:

1. Adventure - bad boys are exciting, especially when you are younger. In the book Captivating: The Heart Of A Woman by John & Stasi Eldredge, the authors mention that every woman in their heart of hearts longs to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, amongst other things, and that’s what makes a woman come alive. Girls may grow out of the desire for bad-boy excitement, but we still long for a great adventure with a partner who will lead the way in unexplored territory. A woman, fully in her feminine energy wants to be led, which is different from being controlled. Leading requires trust and it means that a man knows what he is doing or at least acts like it.

2. Masculinity - boys who don’t follow the rules and push boundaries ooze testosterone and boldness, they display masculine energy that attracts the feminine. But careful here, this can easily turn into toxic masculinity where a man is primarily dominant, hostile, and unemotional. What women crave is healthy masculinity which can look different for each person, but generally, it embodies courage, sincerity, authenticity, boldness, leadership, confidence, initiative, competition, pursuit of desires, and a healthy level of toughness.

3. Guardrails - I often tell my friends, “I need a man who can put me in my place.” Sounds a bit old-fashioned and disturbingly patriarchal, the notion that my romantic partner has to act as my father who scolded me for getting out of line. What I really mean is that I want a guy who can recognize when I am acting out of character, doing or saying something I might regret and they have the confidence to halt the situation and remind me of who I am. It shows not only do they know my true character, but they care enough to confront my poor behavior. I am strong-minded and at times crazy unreasonable, a man who can call me out on my hypocrisy and take the initiative to act as guardrails, so sexy!

4. Protection - I can protect myself to a certain extent with martial arts and even a gun, but I don’t want to feel like I have to protect myself all the time. Men who are masculine tend to take leadership roles and they are protective. Women are naturally drawn to men who make them feel physically protected, who can produce healthy offspring, and who provide for the entire family. We may believe that mankind has massively evolved physically, intellectually, and emotionally, but subconsciously, we still make cave(wo)man choices. A nice guy can come off as being vulnerable, which may cause a woman to feel like she has to fend for herself, making her feel unsafe. A man who lacks masculine traits like taking initiative and planning ahead can also make a woman feel like she is all alone and has to do everything herself. Protection from a man is caring and thoughtful.

5. Containment - this is a controversial phrase I learned from Teal Swan, here’s her 20-minute video that challenged me. The best visual she gave for containment was to think of a man as an oyster shell that contains a pearl, the woman, inside. When a woman is contained, she is protected in a healthy way where she can thrive and fully be her vulnerable feminine self.

   It enables a woman to be soft, open, receptive and to grow. If you imagine removing that masculine shell, the female immediately contracts, goes rigid and into a state of defense. It is a coping mechanism rather than a natural feel-good state of being. She is forced to compensate for the lack of that masculine shell by becoming masculine herself.

   A woman can and will do that, but she would be acting from an unhealthy place outside of her divine feminine. Containment is a form of positive ownership, but it does not equate to control. See video for details.

Women don’t necessarily love assholes and ignore nice guys. It’s that nice guys might not be perceived by a woman as having the masculine traits that make her feel protected and contained. Nice guys might not take the initiative and have the confidence to confront a woman’s poor behavior. Nice guys might not lead her in playing an irreplaceble part of a great adventure. So let me rephrase the headline:

Women Find Nice Guys Who Embody Masculine Energy Attractive